I scared myself yesterday.
I got so mad that I wanted to hit a man until he was face down and unable to move. If I’d have started, I know I wouldn’t have been able to stop. It took all I had not to seriously harm another human. It took all my strength not to act out. It took hyperventilating, a run, a round of punching the ground, and more than an hour to calm down.
I was terrified of myself.
I need to learn to deal with my emotions.
"Scare the world: Be exactly who you say you are and tell the truth."
Don’t you fucking dare touch me.
Don’t for a second think you have the privilege of getting close to me.
Fuck off before I get violent.
(Before I get angry.
Before I do something I might regret.)
I am not afraid of hurting you.
(I am not afraid of cutting you completely out of my life.
I have done so before to others.)
Don’t you tell me that you care.
Don’t feign kindness when really you are venom.
Don’t pretend that you will catch me when I fall.
I can catch myself, thank you very much.
(I’ve got the bruises and the cuts on my hands and knees to prove it.
I’m still standing, my own doing.)
Do not ever think that I am weak.
Don’t look at me with pity.
Do not think I need protection.
I might have weak moments.
I might want to be protected.
I need none of that.
(I can stand up for myself.
Pull myself together.)
I am fucking tired of your fucking shit.
You will look at me when you speak so that I can see what your eyes are saying.
You will tell no lies.
You will tell the truth.
Do not coat the jagged edges in soft pleasantries.
(Show me your claws.
Show me your teeth.
Show me your damn intentions.)
Do not think that you have taken a place in my life.
I have given it to you.
I am worth a million suns, and you had better see it.
If you do not, I will walk.
I will leave, and I will not turn back.
If you do not see my worth, you are worth nothing to me.
I don’t want food. I don’t want sleep. I don’t want to do anything.
I just want to lay still an do absolutely nothing. I don’t like feeling this way.
On the bright side
I have been so much more outgoing lately. It comes so much more easily these days. I think I have F to thank for unlocking it, and myself to thank for rolling with it. Just doing things instead of thinking them through and through and through again takes getting used to, but I’m trying.
This is the person I am when I am new somewhere - those first months before I settle into some kind of a role. This is the person I always want to be.
Yesterday I felt like a firework. Talking to everyone, making friends and acquaintances. Not worrying whether or not people were secretly horribly bored with me. Not thinking about anything but having a good time. It was fun. I think I might have taken it a step too far, though. I’ve been knocked out all day, and it wasn’t the alcohol - not even a little hungover, just worn out completely. It was worth it, though. I like this me.
I’m not sure, but I think I might be heading for a low point soon. Thoughts darker, body exhausted. Feelings below average.
See, I have this problem, and it is that I always feel like I am a second choice at best.
Let me type in something I wrote earlier today on the back of some letter:
"I’m sorry I never think of these things when you ask, but thinking about it there is more you can do for me. See, it’s a self esteem thing. Even on my best days I never feel good enough. Even when I’m safe as can be - even with my best friends, I always feel second best at most. I can’t get past the feeling that I am expendable and replaceable, and it is bullshit and I would like not to feel that way about myself. I know it isn’t true - I know that I am valued and loved, but my mind can be a dark and twisted place and will not believe that.
Also, I may laugh it off because that is how I deal with my problems, but since Bruxelles I have become afraid. I was never scared proper of walking alone, at night, anywhere - but now I am terrified. I hate it. Heart in my throat just because a tall teenager walks behind me to get home. Wanting to run when I hear a goddamn moped come near.
So yeah. There’s that.”
One week at home with my parents starting tomorrow - then it’s back to Oslo. It’ll be all right, but I am kind of tired of playing house. Pretending to be a family that works when it’s never really been that way. Who knows, though. Maybe my folks have in fact tried a little harder. At least they’ve been doing things together lately, which is a step in the right direction. We’ll see, but no high hopes here. Fingers can still be crossed, though. Don’t we all just want things to be fine, really?
I think it might be time
To find something different.
To go somewhere new.
To be not just somebody else but to find out who I want to be.
To step up my game so I can do what I want in life.
To change all of the ways I have which aren’t working.
I will find a job (apply to everything and anything, any job is money). All of the money will be saved. Next summer I will travel. Sub-let my room to someone else who can take care of my four bamboo-plants and who will fit well in with my lovely roomies and then I will leave. I have dreamed of travelling for so long, and it is time. Pack a back-pack and get on a flight to japan. Stay there for a little, weeks, maybe a month. Then I will travel my way through Asia - with company if so happens, but I do not mind going alone. In fact, the thought has become quite alluring. Travelling to challenge myself. To change myself. To try myself. To find myself. To be myself. Making a movie as I go. Maybe finding something substantial, maybe just ending up a couple of weeks in Australia before I go back to my room in Oslo and continue my life. Who knows. I don’t. And I don’t mind that at all. I love it, in fact. All the possibilities are there, and it is up to me to grab them, jump at the chances and make life happen.
I am already doing that, though. Taking chances. Letting life happen to me instead of trying to steer it in one way or the other. I can work towards my goals and ambitions, and I always will, but my surroundings are forever changing at it is lovely to have accepted that. Everything seems brighter and better and easier, too.
"You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place."
Miriam Adeney (via barbieandken)