Lately I’ve been craving more.
I’m tired of pointless hook-ups. I mean, they can be fun, but that’s just not really what I want any more. What I do want is some kind of stability in my relationships. At the least I’d like a regular fuck friend. At the best some kind of a relationship.
I’ve realised that I miss being in a relationship when I’m single more than I missed being single when I was in a relationship, as S and I put it once when we were talking. I can’t remember which one of us came up with the wording, I think it might have been her. Anyway. That’s exactly it. I may like being single, but I think I’m at the point where I’d rather have someone be mine. Have someone to belong to.
Consistency. That’s what I want. I miss the safety and the closeness and the way you get to know someone completely and trust them and learn their quirks and tastes and likes and dislikes. The way you grow to love them over time.
It’s not a whirlwind romance or a crush or that feeling you have when you first fall in love with someone that I want. It’s the real deal. That way you begin to feel once all of the initial feelings wear off. The warmth that stays. The kind of love that comes with time and knowing someone and wanting to stay with them until the end, not just for a little while.
It scares me a little that I feel this way, because I haven’t really before. At least not for long. I think I’m ready for a proper relationship now. Is this what growing up is?
- Feeling alone - I tend to think that everyone will end up leaving me.
- Fear of confrontations - I shy away at once.
- The walls I’ve built - they’re too damn strong.
- Food - I’ve still not got quite a healthy relationship with it.
- Change - I love to change my surroundings, but I’m scared of changing myself.
- Wanting to please - Always. Everybody. All the time. I have to be perfect or I’m not good enough. Have to be tailor-made to the needs of those around me.
- Trusting my own decisions - I never do. Always doubt. Always think about the hundreds of other ways things could have gone.
I’m working on this, though. I really am. Trying to get better.
I’m a scratcher.
…I love being scratched too, though.
"People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world."
Kim Culbertson, The Liberation of Max McTrue (via vahc)
F says “Tell me if it becomes too much”.
I actually do.
I feel so very exposed. It is going to be for the better, though, I think.
My body is starting to react to my mind now. Not good. This is the second day I have a fever this week. That us two out of three days. I am exhausted.
I am meeting F tomorrow. Going to his place after work. He said he’ll have dinner ready, then we’ll take the amount of time it takes to work at least some of this out.
The way my body is reacting to my mind is so strange. I know that is what this is, there are no other symptoms. Just fever and exhaustion. Looking forwards to working through this.
"You are allowed to be alive. You are allowed to be somebody different. You are allowed to not say goodbye to anybody or explain a single thing to anyone, ever."
Augusten Burroughs (via larmoyante)
"Women are supposed to be the ones on the balcony, not the ones down below professing their love. We don’t think the female romantic is romantic. We think she is a predator. We think she is desperate, unstable—Fatal Attraction, the cougar, the spinster, the troublemaker. But deep emotion in this age is a radical act."
You say “Tell me if it becomes too much.”
I say “Alright. I will.”
Although I want to tell you that it’s already all too much, that I can’t handle it, that I’m so tired and that I’m starting to not want to get out of bed again and that I just want to sleep all the time and that the darkness is far more tempting than sunlight I doubt I will tell you. I just don’t. It’s too personal. Too intimate. Makes me seem too weak for me to admit it.
I want you to know. I want your help getting through this because I am fairly certain that you could help me through better than I can help myself, but… I don’t want to be a bother to you. Especially not when you have a friend who actually needs you. When you have things to do. When you put things off with me.
I may seem strong and well-adapted and anything else, but I am not. I am a wreck. When you postpone things I don’t want to push them. When you know someone in a worse place than me I don’t want to seem whiny about my problems. When you ask me to tell you if things become too much for me to handle I just can’t. I can’t admit to being weak. I can’t admit to needing someone other than myself.
There are two people in the wold I tell these things to. All these things. I have known them both for seven years. That is how long it has taken me to trust them properly and fully. To be able to actually tell them when I can’t handle things. And I can’t even tell them everything. A couple of others get to know more than most as well. When somebody trusts me with their deepest and darkest I return that trust. I make a conscious decision to try to be honest with them, too. For the most part I am, but there is a lot of omitting truths.
I’ve known you for a couple of months. I just can’t tell you things even if I want to. Dear lord I want to. I want to fucking tell you everything, but I am so afraid, and I feel so weak. I don’t like either of those feelings. And I know I’ll be able to get through this on my own, because I’ve done so before. That’s how it’s always been. I pull myself together, force myself back up and back out there, and I take it all in a stride with a smile on my face as long as anyone can see me.
Maybe I’ll tell you, like I want to. Maybe I’ll show you what I’ve written so you can read it yourself. Most likely I’ll just keep my mouth shut and my feelings buried and wait until I see you next time. Shut you out just a little bit more than I have before because that makes me feel safer. The less you know me, the less it will hurt when you decide to leave.
I am so terribly fragile and scared and weak. The only reason it is not very visible is because I have learned to hide it well.
Libra will sometimes find themselves not really knowing what they want or what their true feelings are because they try to make everyone happy. They end up feeling exhausted in the end. However, their happy-go-lucky appearance rarely reveal that even the little things in life makes a big difference to them.
"I want a trouble-maker for a lover, blood spiller, blood drinker, a heart of flame, who quarrels with the sky and fights with fate, who burns like fire on the rushing sea.
I wouldn’t exactly call it a nightmare. There was nothing unrealistic or horrifying about what really happened, but it was horrible none the less.
I dreamt that my parents disappeared. When I finally found them again they had split up. I didn’t know if I would see my mother again - no idea where she had gone to. My father said approximately two words and jogged on past me. My uncle told me the whole story of what had happened. I was really upset when I woke up. Almost cried.
Yes, although their marriage is odd and dysfunctional and they’re probably better off each to their own I am afraid of it happening. I didn’t know it was this bad, though.