"I enjoy controlled loneliness. I like wandering around the city alone. I’m not afraid of coming back to an empty flat and lying down in an empty bed. I’m afraid of having no one to miss, of having no one to love."
Kuba Wojewodzki, Polish journalist and comedian (via dysenterygay)
I am meeting A on monday and I am not sure if I’m more happy or relieved. It’ll be good to have someone take my mind off everything. Fuck me till my thoughts go blurred.
Mom and Dad are fighting like always, which is fine enough, but when they fucking drag me into it - no. Please don’t. Please leave me out of your goddamn issues. And please don’t do all this fighting in front of me. Please. It’s good to know I’m going home to friends and school and work and H and A. It’s my life. It’s where I want to be. It’s where I belong.
I am tired. I am glad I am going home tomorrow.
"Commit to loving yourself completely. It’s the most radical thing you will do in your lifetime."
The thing that bothers me most when I am home isn’t the fighting, I am used to that - it is the fact that I become loud and agitated (and even mean at times) as well. I don’t like it one bit. It’s not who I am. It feels all wrong and throws me out of balance and I definitely think F was on to something when he said that I need to say this to my parents. To tell them that “hey, you know what, you guys acting this way is impacting me negatively and would you please try to keep your shit away from me” or something like that. I just don’t know how to. Or, well, I do. Just like that. Just say it. But I’m afraid. And I don’t want to hurt either of my parents. And I know I will.
Guh. Okay. I can do this.
"Do you know what people really want? Everyone, I mean. Everybody in the world is thinking: I wish there was just one other person I could really talk to, who could really understand me, who’d be kind to me. That’s what people really want, if they’re telling the truth."
Doris Lessing, The Golden Notebook (via misswallflower)
I can tell there are things he hasn’t moved on from. There are things he holds on to, that it is better to let go of. I will ask him more about these things. As much as he is helping me, it is only fair that I try to do the same. I am not saying I can help, but I can at least ask and be a person with whom he can talk about these things if he wants to.
Now I am going to make a very late breakfast and go for a walk and then probably go to see S.
"Of course I am not worried about intimidating men. The type of man who will be intimidated by me is exactly the type of man I have no interest in."
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (via yourclassyslut)
I would like this, just with a bigger bed. And a lot of bookshelves somewhere in the room.
I am lucky to have met F. He is so good for me. And to me. And great company, too.
I talked to him today and got clarification on the things that have been on my mind. Because of various reasons (none of which have anything to do with me) I am currently his only attachment. When I asked where I stand with him he said that currently he sees me as a friend and a submissive that he feels responsibility for. I am okay with this.
Really, I would have been okay with any answer as all I really needed was to know my position in all of this, but… This is maybe the best answer I could have gotten. It is a close connection without the pressures of a full-on relationship and that is a good place to be right now.
Also, I asked him if I could see him either once more before I go home for easter and then rather quickly after I get back or at least after I return because being with my family (for any period of time, really) tires me out and usually leads to a (minor or major depending on time and events and all) crash. He said yes to trying to find time for both, and this relieves me.
One great thing is he really pays attention and learns about me (and my kinks, oh my goodness) and also I really like the conversation. So yeah. This is a good thing. Something that is going the right way and which isn’t incredibly complicated, and I am happy about it.
"I realized I had just entered an interesting chapter in my life. I had outgrown the boys of my past and not quite grown into the men of my future."
Carrie Bradshaw, Valley of the Twenty-Something Guys (via southerndecay)
Everything you love is here
Isn’t that why the fear grows so strong? Because we know the outcome.