I can tell there are things he hasn’t moved on from. There are things he holds on to, that it is better to let go of. I will ask him more about these things. As much as he is helping me, it is only fair that I try to do the same. I am not saying I can help, but I can at least ask and be a person with whom he can talk about these things if he wants to.
Now I am going to make a very late breakfast and go for a walk and then probably go to see S.
"Of course I am not worried about intimidating men. The type of man who will be intimidated by me is exactly the type of man I have no interest in."
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (via yourclassyslut)
I would like this, just with a bigger bed. And a lot of bookshelves somewhere in the room.
Anonymous asked: i need an opinion ok would it be wrong to lose my virginity to someone that i don't love? im 18 and i feel like i just want to get it out of the way at this point because i dont want to be going off to uni still a virgin but at the same time i dont want to be judged by my friends for doing it with someone i dont really care about. i guess what im asking is do you think that it is an important milestone and you should wait for the right person?
Yes I definitaley think you should save it for the right person! You’ll always remember who you lost your virginity too and you’ll regret it if it didn’t mean something to you or the guy didn’t give a fuck about you etc xx
To the Anon:
It is really up to you.
I was 18 when I lost my virginity, and I chose to do so with a boy I got along with, but whom I had no feelings fore. I did know he would be good in bed, though. He had a reputation for that.
I’ve never regretted it to this day as it was a really good experience with a boy I liked (as a person, nothing more).
Whether or not to wait for someone special is up to you. Do you want to wait? Because if so then you should. If your virginity is something special to you (it wasn’t to me) then you might want to wait. If you think you’ll regret your decision of not waiting - wait instead.
As for your friends - they’re your friends. They should accept your decision and support you no matter what. This choice is yours, not theirs.
I am lucky to have met F. He is so good for me. And to me. And great company, too.
I talked to him today and got clarification on the things that have been on my mind. Because of various reasons (none of which have anything to do with me) I am currently his only attachment. When I asked where I stand with him he said that currently he sees me as a friend and a submissive that he feels responsibility for. I am okay with this.
Really, I would have been okay with any answer as all I really needed was to know my position in all of this, but… This is maybe the best answer I could have gotten. It is a close connection without the pressures of a full-on relationship and that is a good place to be right now.
Also, I asked him if I could see him either once more before I go home for easter and then rather quickly after I get back or at least after I return because being with my family (for any period of time, really) tires me out and usually leads to a (minor or major depending on time and events and all) crash. He said yes to trying to find time for both, and this relieves me.
One great thing is he really pays attention and learns about me (and my kinks, oh my goodness) and also I really like the conversation. So yeah. This is a good thing. Something that is going the right way and which isn’t incredibly complicated, and I am happy about it.
"I realized I had just entered an interesting chapter in my life. I had outgrown the boys of my past and not quite grown into the men of my future."
Carrie Bradshaw, Valley of the Twenty-Something Guys (via southerndecay)
Everything you love is here
Isn’t that why the fear grows so strong? Because we know the outcome.
sext: i want to pay bills and share household duties and approach our late 20’s in a financially and emotionally stable way with you
Becoming frighteningly tempting to have this.
Have you felt your heart breaking in your chest?
First the slight notion, the dread that builds as you realize. Then comes the fear, striking down like lightning, paralyzing. The realization interlaces itself with your emotions, and you feel dead, or at least like you just as well could be. There are two remaining options, you either shut off completely, or the tears start to press on your eyes, quickly running down your cheeks in rivers. For me, it was tears. Then altered breathing. Panic. Terror. Hyperventilation. No breathing. Hyperventilation. No breathing. It burns. Your chest feels heavy, starts to hurt.
Your heart breaks.
I got a call from the boy that I love. I could tell from the first second, from his breathing, that things weren’t all right. I became worried. To be told that he doesn’t know who he is, that he doesn’t want to live. My heart tightened into a knot the size of an acorn, it felt like. I couldn’t stop crying. I wanted to just keep him on the phone through the night so I knew he’d be ok, but I couldn’t. He left, and I panicked. I feared the worst. My eyes are still sore, stinging, probably red as well. I would have ran all the way to where he is if that didn’t take longer than until he comes home tomorrow.
He called me again. I cried even harder. He told me he was with people now, that it was better. I told him I was terrified. That fear whenever I think someone might… I won’t even think about it, but that fear is paralyzing. It renders me unable to do a single thing. I can’t breathe, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t stop crying, worrying. He sounded like it was at least a little better, I believed his voice and his breathing, his whole way of being. He apologized for worrying me, but something so little doesn’t matter as long as I know he’s coming back to me. That he’ll be here, in my arms, tomorrow. In the same condition as when he left me.
My heart sewed itself back together knowing, but the stitches will be there for a while. A scare like that can’t just be put away when you don’t want to use locking mechanisms, it’ll just open the door and stroll back out into broad daylight, never minding your protests. No, I have to make it go away with time. I think this one might take long. Very long.
I have never in my life been so scared.
Rereading old things because I am making a movie and I need to look into myself to do so.
Coming across this hurt. I realise I am not over all the pain of my last relationship yet. The strain it put on me. Just how much it hurts when someone is begging and pleading for your help (when they’re not too busy shutting you out) and you can’t do anything to help them. I tried. I really did. But I was only just turned 19 when I met him. I am only now beginning to realise that I cannot blame myself for not having been able to help him. I tried. I did all that I could, but he needed more help than I could give. More than I had the ability to give him. I told him so. I tried to get him to find someone that could help him, but he wouldn’t. That hurts. I couldn’t help the boy I loved. That hurts. I still feel like a lot of what went wrong was my fault, that I am to blame for it, that I hurt him. I am trying to let go.
I haven’t realised until now just how much it hurt me and what kind of damage it actually left. I am glad I am beginning to see it now. This way I can work past it and move on.
Imagination really can be so much worse than reality.
Why did I have to go an get involved with someone who is polyamorous. I do not know if I can handle this. And I am looking forwards to him returning so that I can talk to him about it. Be honest with him about it.
The problem right now is that whenever I see pictures of her with him, of things they do, I feel the jealousy and insecurity stir up in me. I spent a great part of yesterday reading up on polygamy do’s and don’ts. On just how important communication is. On how you can make it work if you don’t know if you’re poly yourself. I’m not even sure what his and my relationship is. That is why I need to talk to him. I am not sure what theirs is, that is another reason. I know he will answer when I ask. This thought calms me. The only thing is that right now I do not know any of the answers. And it is making me feel bad. Because my head comes up with all of these scenarios that are most likely worse and more frightening than the truth.
Oh fuckity fuck when did life become so complicated?
I have the strangest ability to get into all these weird situations.
When did I become grown up enough to actually talk about these things instead of just running away?