"There’s nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood. And understanding someone else."
Brad Meltzer, The Inner Circle (via siusiaki)
A little bit of everything.
Being an ambivert / best and worst of both worlds.
I have extrovert tendencies. I talk to everyone. I love socialising. I am pretty much always out and about. On the other hand I have introvert tendencies. I need time alone to recharge. Although I gain a lot of energy whilst socialising I have a drop the next day where the more social I was the day before (and the happier), the more exhausted I am the next day.
It is tiring as fuck.
Especially considering that when I am exhausted my mind makes room for all the doubts and insecurities, and the later in the evening that day following a great evening, the worse it gets. And the worse it gets, the harder it is to calm down and go to bed, which is really the only thing that helps.
And now I’m stuck in all these doubts.
I am going to go to bed, I am going to do some breathing exercises, and I am going to tell myself everything will be okay - and then I am going to sleep.
God. I just wish my dating life was less complicated sometimes. Most of the time I love having these different boys with whom I do different things. They fulfil different needs of mine both of the mind and flesh, and it is great most of the time, but… Sometimes I wish I had one special person. Someone who was mine, and to whom I could belong. I want to have someone that is completely safe sometimes, and I don’t have that now, and when I am feeling like I am feeling now that sucks.
I have my friends, and they are great (you guys are great!) and I can talk to them, but it just isn’t the same. Much in part, I think, to the fact that my closest friends are girls, and that for some stupid fucking reason I find it a lot easier to talk to men. In my life they have typically been much calmer than the women I’ve been around, and that’s left me finding it far more easy to talk to them. I am not one for displays of emotion (apart from happiness). I prefer to just be able to say something, have it out there, get a suggestion for a fix and the going about fixing it. I want something simple and clear cut, because that is how I stop being confused - by having a course of action.
Also, on a completely different note, I saw the hashtag #polyamorousmess today, and I laughed so much. It is so accurate. Yup. “The Sir that is a play partner. You wish he was your Sir but know that it will never happen. #polyamorousmess”
I bob up and down in way of how I feel about my polyamorous sir of this exact nature. Sometimes I wish there could be more there. Sometimes it seems he does, too. Then other times I just want to tell him “good bye” and have no more to do with him. I have also heard some things lately that leave me questioning how I feel. Nothing too bad, but there are these little things that bother me, that I must clear as truth or lies.
Now I am going to have a glass of water and go to beed. Good night.
"The first time I kissed you my whole body was shaking, and that was it, it only took me one kiss to get totally addicted to you"
This has happened a few times lately. I’m letting my feelings come to the surface. Now I just have to learn to deal with them.
"Cut the poison out of your life. No matter what - or whom - it may be."
Jeigo - It’s going to hurt before it gets better (via jeigo)
"I don’t owe people anything, and I don’t have to talk to them any more than I feel I need to."
Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story (via versteur)
Anonymous said: Love your blog and the mastery over cunt psychology you display. Where did you get your training?
I didn’t get any training, specifically. There’s just a lot of stuff that applies throughout life that can be hijacked.
Look at management books, principals in soft positional management, hostage negotiation, Stockholm syndrome & neurolinguistics (case studies, not popsci) knowing a lot about technical writing helps; you’re aiming to phrase things in order to remove ambiguity and doubt and present only a single possible outcome: its not that you expect your submissive to weasel out of things you’ve asked for, it’s that you don’t want an interpretation layer in what you’re asking them, no matter how small.
Think of it like the difference between ordering a burger the way you want it, and ordering it in the way the Burger-place-worker has to punch it into the till. When you learn how to do it the latter way, there’s a palpable relief on the part of the worker, who no longer has to translate what you want into what they have to do.
Once you’ve established simple compliance, Its less about demanding things and more about presenting absolute clarity and maneuvering the subconscious. Creating simple puzzles that the submissive can solve and feel relief and a sense of achievement for completing makes unpacking their resistance a game that they like to win.
Habituate your property to feel a sense of relief and happiness when they perceive and meet your needs without being asked. I typically go very heavy on positive verbal and mental reinforcement and light on physical rewards. Punishment is reserved for instances of insubordination rather than incomplete or inadequate service : to my mind, it’s my failing if they’re not habitually giving me 100%
By going light on physical reward you remove positive experiences from the arrangement : instead of encouraging contact materialism, you encourage service. More I do this because good girls do it and I am a good girl and I like being a good girl and much less if I do this then he’ll let me go to the concert at the weekend. It allows me to keep the small gestures romantic rather than part of bargaining.
In the end, I prefer implicit rather than explicit power structures. My girls defer to me because that’s how I’ve taught them to prefer things. They don’t need to remind themselves of their role, which makes it much easier to maintain mine by creating a space for me to act within.
Somewhere out there, a dude will read this and go “Lame. I dont bargain, I get what I want” and frankly the only thing I have to say to these people is that they have absolutely no idea what they are doing, in the most literal sense of the phrase. “Do this or I hit you” “Do this or I leave” and “Do this because I say so” are all forms of bargaining. They’re also clumsy, crude and childish. We can do better.
These are things I appreciate in a partner.
"I’ve always loved the idea of not being what people expect me to be."
Dita Von Teese (via tahpssi)
"Keep me close or I’ll slip away the second your eyes turn their gaze.
I’ll slide into nothingness with my hands clenched as fists,
Like smoke I will fade away, forever out of reach."
kg. (via copyr1ghts)
"So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out and decide."
Meredith Grey (via purplebuddhaproject)
Coming to terms with the fact that monogamy might not be the best option for me.
I mean, I do like monogamous relationships, but I think I prefer my current situation as of now. Having many boys (and girls if any should appear). Courting and/or being courted by several others. Some closer than others.
I would like to be in a relationship with someone open to being this way, so that I could try. Try living like this even with one or more established partners. Add it to the list of things I do that aren’t socially acceptable. I used to be very scared of how people would see me if I did so, but I’ve realised that my friends still accept me no matter what, and that my parents are going to love me even if they do not necessarily agree with my life choices - and when that is the case, who else is there really to care about?
I’m probably going to put a lot more thought into this.