Libra Zodiac Facts:
Learning to actually deal with this and deconstruct the mask instead of just saying to myself that it’s nothing, or that it’s a defence or whatever else I’ve tried to convince myself with.
It’s been so bad in the past that I was afraid of people knowing me from different places running into each other and thinking I’d lied to either of them. That’s not good.
H is helping me realise that I can be myself, all of me at once, and that that can be okay.
"I just hope that one day—preferably when we’re both blind drunk—we can talk about it."
J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey. (via aacissej)
A little update.
The man I met, henceforth known as F, the one who is into erotic hypnosis; I met him again. Once more. About a week and a half ago.
I think knowing him will be fun.
When I first came there my eyes were down and my shoulders hunched, tired and a little stressed like always. He had me doing simple things, making tea, fetching cups, and we sat on the couch. We talked. Well, he asked and I answered about what I had been doing since the first time we met. If I’d thought any more about the things we spoke of then, discovered anything new. “I’m afraid,” I told him. “I think that is where my problems come from. I am afraid of a lot of things.”
He kept me talking, guiding me through my own thoughts, and although it was terrifying I greatly appreciate it. When I couldn’t answer, when a wuestion was too hard or difficult or unpleasant or I just didn’t know I tensed up out to my fingertips, hands moving strangely, scratching myself and stretching and clutching my fingers. “I’m sorry,” I’d say. “My head just goes all blank.” “Does that have to be a bad thing?” He asked in reply.
After a while of talking I suppose he felt talk was through for this time. He hypnotized me again, this time with a metronome as well. When I opened my eyes again I could not unfold my hands. I am not sure whether it was because I did not want to disobey or if I really was completely unable to do so, but my fingers only held on tighter when I tried to loosen my grip. He laughed. Said those were the best cuffs. I had to agree.
You do not need to know what happened next. That is a higher rating that when I feel like describing right now, but at the end of it, that’s where I’ll pick back up.
He said that when I came something in me would let go, it would leave my mind, something undecided, but something in me would let go none the less. Okay, I thought.
After I came I was in such a relaxed state as I’ve only been in (at least post-coitally) once. (Rarely else as well, only when I am completely spent, all worn out but happy.) He commented on how my body language had changed. Back straighter, shoulders back. How I was stroking my index finger with my thumb instead of cramping my hands. I choked it up to the sex, you’re always more relaxed around someone after, aren’t you?
I massaged him after that, and we talked. “Being good at massages is a valuable skill, that makes you attractive as a sub,” he said. I felt oddly proud. Tit and tat got brought up and discussed, and it was nice. My thumbs were dead for a week after, though.
After that it was time for me to go catch my subway and get home, it was late.
It wasn’t before the next day, up until now, that I realized something in me really must have changed. I’ve been so much more relaxed than usual these past days. Happy instead of stressed. None of the constant worry of fear that is usually there. Just calm and happiness and a whole new ease. It feels strange. As if an actual burden had been lifted off my shoulders.
The moments I do feel like before I can now counter. I fold my hands and take deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. I tell myself I am allowed to feel as I do, calm and happy and no thoughts in my head, just silence that I would have chased away earlier. He told me to. It has become a calming thing. A way to relax. But also it is teaching me that it’s okay not to worry or think or have answers all the time. It is okay for my thoughts to be silent. I don’t have to fear not always having an answer any more.
I am seeing him again tomorrow. Going over to his place and cooking him dinner. I am happy about this. I just hope he likes what I make.
"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."
Alan Watts (via cosmofilius)
"That’s when you know you’ve found somebody really special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence."
Pulp Fiction (1994)
"My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing."
Jillian Medoff (Hunger Point)
— Carson McCullers
When the hell did everything get so complicated?
The kid has been such an idiot.
It would have been find had he just talked to me, as we started the evening. But then he tried to kiss me (the hell?) and then he pushed me so I fell.
You do not do that. Lay your hands on me. You do not.
Now even civility is hard, considering that my friends hate him to the point that destroying his life is a plausible next step.
He needs to learn to hold his goddamn tongue so he doesn’t offend every single person he meets.
"I either eat too much or starve myself. Sleep for 14 hours or have insomniac nights. Fall in love very hard or hate passionately. I don’t know what grey is. I never did."
A friend had told a friend of hers about me and told him we would get along. No more than that, just “you guys would get along, you should contact her”. She vaguely told me about him, too. “He has a large cage in his bedroom. Does that interest you?”. He sent me a message yesterday, and we met today, for a cup of tea. Conversation. Him asking me to look into his eyes and holding my gaze for so long that I - the person who always holds everyone else’s gaze for too long - felt so uncomfortable I had to shy away a couple of times and look back before he let me out of it. It never occurred to me to fight him on it, to be stubborn like I normally would. He just had control, and it felt right to do as asked. To let my submissive side take over.
Tea turned to dinner. At his place. Talking some more. Laying down facts about what we both have and want and need. About ourselves and who we are. Realizing we hardly know each other because we only met a mere three hours ago.
Then dinner turned more interesting with him slightly taking charge.
First he asked me to put on the water-boiler. Of course I did as asked. Then I got the tea cups. Then he made tea and asked me to sit on the couch. It was nice, having someone to listen to.
And then it got interesting. He started talking about erotic hypnosis being one of his interests. And then he showed me how it works. Which was one of the strangest things I’ve experienced.
His voice guiding me through, he told me to let go, and then he told me what to feel, physically and somewhat emotionally, and I felt it. Then he told me what to do, and I did it. And damn it if the last thing he said isn’t starting to take effect now.
It felt so strange for someone to have control of me like that, without touching me at all, with no desire from my side to rebel. It felt nice. It felt right. I hope to see him again.